I had a job once. I actually enjoyed it. I enjoyed working with the people, the staff, the work itself. It was a satisfying challenge and it nurtured my soul to be there. But then I moved cities. I eventually found another similar job and quickly took on a management role. Suddenly I was living and experiencing the down-side of the job that my old manager told me about. I found myself squeezed between two bosses: one that employed and paid me, and the other that I was a representative of and took orders from as well. I’ll only say here that the two were usually on different sides of the fence in their expectations of me, and my small staff, and I was being pulled to please this party, and then that party. To make things even more interesting, I was very well aware that my direct bosses were, let’s say, narcissistic verging on sociopathic. They had trouble keeping staff and there was a very regular roll over of employees. I was thrilled when a customer came to me and asked is I was interested in another job. I became one of their roll over statistics. I escaped.
But you know what happens when you flee somewhere in this way, when you keep running and hoping something good will come along, and not really addressing the bottom line? You find yourself right back in a similar place. Again, I enjoyed what I did, to a big degree. But they say the management makes or breaks the workplace. It’s true. And I again found myself in an unhealthy place of employment. Let me be clear. It was unhealthy for me. Life was trying to get a message through to me.Why? Oh, I knew why. At the last job I escaped I felt I needed to leave. Just quit. But you know how the bills would pile up, the expectations of others, etc. Yeah. I’m human and these things hung around my neck like stinky garlic. So I stayed until this “window of opportunity” presented itself.
So I found myself in a similar place at this new job, waiting and searching for this new window. All the curtains and blinds were shut tight. Nothing was opening for me. And inside my heart was screaming out a truth I had known for years. When we allow ourselves to be blown around by circumstance and other people’s choices, and expectations for us, we lose ourselves. I was lost. And the only way to be found again was by making my own choice. One straw came, and another and then finally I couldn’t ignore the Universe’s “hints” any longer. I had to make a decision. When we allow outside influences to push us here and there we never find our own footing. But, when we make a choice, we create a void that must be filled with like energy. What it is filled with, however, is always going to be determined by the same energy we made the choice with. So a good awareness of myself in this moment was crucial.
I gave my notice three weeks ago. It was a very busy, exhausting and educational three weeks. And today is my first day in my new journey. Unemployed. I have nothing to go to at the moment. And it feels great! I’ve needed time for myself, to do some inner work, inner healing, inner rest for a very long time now. My job took all my energy before, and my body, mind and emotions were raw and aching. Now I can focus on MY truth. Now I nurture me. Now I find MY path and passion. Now I will support what is important to ME.
I know this may sound selfish to many, but after fifty years of following in the wake others have directed for me, it’s time to find my own purpose and pleasure. This comes from the heart, not from a place of anger, or frustration, or resentment. Some of that I’ve felt along the way, but eventually my heart was filled enough to see the inconsistencies and unbalances through love. But the love that I need to focus on now is love for myself.
One of the people I knew through my last job congratulated me, and said, “It’s your age, you know.” Yes, it could be my age. This “mid-life” thing is real, for many reasons. I am at that place in life where I can naturally reassess, well, everything. It is that fork in the road where I must really see what is appropriate for me and what is not. I’ve been doing that with little things all along, but this is where the meat is separated from the candy bars. This is where it gets real. I know many people who have never been able to see through the mists of status quo. I’m not one of them. And my soul won’t let me sit back any longer. The inner battle is simply now worth it.
I believe it’s also about my soul’s age. My soul is not new here. And my soul is ready for my humanness to get on board, finally, with whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing here. Today is the first day of this new connection. Where is it leading? I know through what it is leading and it brings me so much joy even just thinking about it all now. I saw a cartoon today where a person was being harassed and kicked by Finances, Work and Stress. Finally, Art came into the picture with a supporting hug. Creativity is the answer. We are creative beings in every way imaginable. Our society has for decades, if not longer, tried to turn off this creativity, but it’s time to pour it on – thick. And quick. Fall into it. It will save us.
So while I don’t know how this new chapter will read in a year from now, five, or even ten, I do know I’m following my heart and passions. I have projects I am choosing to follow and see to fruition. I know I have created this void, filled with my truth and ultimate love, that will keep attracting like-energy things and people and ideas. I welcome life. I welcome prosperity. I welcome expression. I welcome awareness. I welcome my community.
This is good for me to be, and it’s okay to not have exact direction. I’m finally at a place where I can fall into this. Falling into me. It’s been a long journey, and there’s more ahead, but this is a milestone. And I’m ready…
Expressions of Change 